i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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