Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
