One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
