he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
