im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
