The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
