so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
