You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
