next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Boobs are out for the taking
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
