walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize