At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
