My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
