I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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