I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize