Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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