Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
