i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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