wakey wakey hands off snakey
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
