I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
