Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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