your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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