Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize