why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
