I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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