Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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