I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
