why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
