What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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