The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
