my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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