I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
