I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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