He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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