new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
