God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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