Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
