DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
