Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
