Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
