Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
