the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
No subtext here. People are naked.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
