my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
