I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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