we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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