Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
