some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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