at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
