I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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