I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Randomize