I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have post one night stand depression
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
