he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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