See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
