I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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