I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
