Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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