My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
